Last year...For Now

It's my grade 11 summer...or should I say my grade 12 summer. It's hard for me to believe that this is my last summer break spent as a high school student. I remember when I was just in kindergarten and I would look up at "The Big Grade Sixes" with some kind of admiration for them and think, "It's going to be forever until I get there." Then I entered junior high and I looked up at the "Big Grade Twelves" with that same sense of aspiration. Where did all of the time go?

I'm going to come back for the summer as one of those grade twelves...but I remember how I thought when I was in junior high. Now I can only wonder, "why would you want to be like a grade 12 student?" Apart from the select few, lots of teen girls and boys are submerged in a material world. But I suppose a junior student looking for a role model doesn't necessarily see that. Earlier this year in May I had the priviledge of recieving a leadership award and scholarship put toward attending a conference. The conference was incredibly eye opening to say the least and it made me reflect on the kind of role model I want to be this fall. I have younger siblings...I don't want them to learnbad behaviours and habits from me.

This year seems like it has come incredibly fast. Big decisions seem to be everywhere....what courses do I take (apparently all of them)....which post secondary instituion do I attend (still thinking....still thinking....k got it??)

I just want this year to be the best that it can be. Hopefully I can be a positive factor for other people this year as well. Why not make my senior year influential? Right?

Missing Out?

I am at a point in my life right now which I spend in heavy reflection. When I consider all of the things I have done; those decisions I find to be accomplishments adn those I find to be made wrong, I consider what I will be doing in the future that is turning out to be nearer than I thought.
Now that it is June, exams are tiptoeing near with an ominous tone. I do think I am prepared, but it is next year that worries me. This year I have spent doing schoolwork, playing year-round sports and keeping/finding a job. It just gets to be overwhelming after a year adn I don't know if I want to repeat my busy routine next year. The more I think about my productivity and time management, I am starting to reconsider homeschooling.
There are pros and cons to both sides of the argument. After talking with my mom about this idea of mine, it has been established that working in a class with split streams is limiting. If I stayed home, I could work at a pace I feel is right for me under a tailor made schedule. I would have time to do the things I love, like art an d biking and have it as part of a class, like art or phys ed. When I consider all the time I would have to work with our horses and maybe get a puppy (that I will; no matter the sex or breed, call Sam), I think home based education would be a great choice. I could even work part time and save for post secondary; but that's where issues arise.
Not all homeschool courses are eligible for the same scholarship opportunities as those which are eligible if you are educated in a public school, if that makes any sense. This means that I would be missing out on financial help that I am relying on for further education. I have also heard that some topics that should be stressed in public schools can be less stressed in homeschool curriculums. I could be working so hard and be convinced that I am prepared, then go to university without the preparation I thought I had.
Either way it feels like a gamble with my future. I don't know what to do. I don't like to ask friends about their opinions because I know any suggestions would be biased since there is some kind of emotional attatchment. Right now it is looking like the pros are outweighing the cons, but I suppose we will have to see in time. I don't want to miss out on the high school experience, but missing out on that means I would be less pressured to party and make risky decisions; another pro. What about my friends? Does homeschool mean less time spent with them, or less of a friendship with them?
Some people just seem to make these decisions in the snap of a finger, but I can't do that. I'll have to weigh every challenge and every oppportunity that school and homeschool offers. It's so difficult to decide because I like to be safe in my decisions, but I know that this one will have a significant effect on my future.
In the end, I suppose it all boils down to knowing what I want. I'm confident in the lifestyle I would like to experience when I am on my own, but everything in between is what is so confusing...

Pigeons in the Barn

I love to read, but lately I just haven't had the time. I'm always so busy with so many other things that I find I cannot stay committed to a long novel. More and more I find that shorter reads, like blogging or poetry are much more convenient for my life.
Where am I getting with this? Well, in my short reads I have made a personal discovery involving words and significance to memory. Have you ever just listened to a song, and there was a certain line that really hit home, nice and close. Sometimes it's only a fragment, not a complete thought that triggers memories to once again come alive. Then too, are memories a complete thought?
We can link words to amazing experiences and triumphs. They do not always have to be straightforward or very explanatory, just like a thought. Something so simple may come across differently to everyone. Why not just give someone a fragment to dwell upon rather than just spell it out for them? I feel that this is a very interesting technique I have stumbled upon. Eyecatching wordart with mysterious phrases captivate my attention as i sit and wonder What does this mean? At that point I begin to realize that it means whatever I want it to.

Violets in the Mud

So the other day I was working in my mother’s garden. Now let’s think for a second here: I’m a teen with a lot of friends and extracurricular things to do. Normally, weeding my mother’s flower bed is not where I would have preferred to be.
I guess the reason why I’m writing about this is because I had a thought that would cross my mind before, but became the focus of my attention at the moment. I dug my trowel into the muddy earth, and as I pulled a dandelion, I thought about just how wonderful the whole concept of a garden really is. The outcome is entirely dependant upon the gardener’s dedication and patience. Two huge ideas I need to put some more work into.
My favourite flower above all is a violet. Not only because they are a pretty purple, with a burst of yellow from the center, but because they grow all over our garden. My mom can’t get rid of them. A few years ago, she intentionally planted them for a certain arrangement in the spring, but they just don’t seem to go away. They are even starting to grow out of the garden and into the grass, where the dandelions try to choke them out but just can’t get a hold on them.
Now, you might ask, where am I going with all of this? As I looked at all of the violets springing at random from the ground, I began to admire this little flower. What if I was just as small, yet undefeatable as it? What if no matter what, I dedicated everything I was to growing, just growing. And I don’t mean in height, growing as in character.
We all try to be good people, but what would we be like if we were on 24/7 alert of our behaviour? What if we all took what was given to make us better people, and give it back humbly, just like a violet?
It did not take much pondering to decide to try and be like that little violet that I secretly admire. Maybe someday I will grow among weeds and be just as contempt.

Eternally Young?

Most of the time spend in and out of school is losing myself in daydreams. Like most teen girls, I think about my friends and my busy life, but today I had a different thought.

I was walking in a store when I saw an amazingly beautiful person. Her skin was wrinkled with time and delicate lines carved around her eyes when she beamed a radiant smile. This person was not especially tall, nor short. She did not have a typically Hollywood figure, but she was entirely beautiful in the most different way.

Everywhere we look, posters of suggesting women cover the walls. Commercials for products to fight aging overwhelm young people. What are we so afraid of today? Do we fear that age and experience, leading to maturity, will eliminate all adventure from our life? Do women fear that looking their age will make them any less beautiful.

That leads me to my question...What is beautiful? Is beautiful what appears to our eyes, or what is seen with the soul and the eyes cannot recognize? Why are we so pressured to look the look? My personal opinion is that we should spend more time becoming a better person, become that best friend we are all looking for, and maybe those who can see will recognize the beauty radiating from our character.

For those who know me, this might sound a little hypocritical. I too spend over enough time in the mirror, but I do try not to make appearance my focus. What would the world be like if we took away all cosmetics? Would there be a huge shock factor...Wow! You have wrinkles!...Look at all those greys!...Or would our attention focus on a much deeper concept?

Hollywood and literature both have interesting tales of people seeking an elixir, or immortality. It is all so interessting, but why not enjoy youth when you have it and refuse to fear aging. That is, aging on the outside. A youthful heart full of spirit , energy and freedom is always good to have...but why worry about fine lines or silver hair? Maybe in time we will all start to recognize a different kind of beauty and none of that will seem to matter anymore.

Would I want to be my age forever. Probably not. Someday I would like to braid my white hair over my shoulder as I sit on the porch in my rocking chair and remember the good ol' days and smile. But hey, everyone is different. That's just me a grandma thinking...